circumventing the truth

so i kind of circumvented the truth. when i said i was disappointed in the people around me… i kind of meant you you you and you too. but i lied and said otherwise.

this shames me because i’ve always vowed to be frank and non-hypocritical. so i’m more blunt than frank because i can’t quite seem to get the hang of tact most of the time.

but sometimes lying still seems the only course out when i really don’t want to regret discussing it in the end. sometimes i wish i’m the forgiving type. but i remember.

sometimes, in fact, most of the time of these occasions, i feel that it’s my friends who let me down. too many too often lately. then again, are they really my friends? working partners, school mates maybe. but friends? i don’t think i have that many left anyway. what with people flying abroad for further studies or dropping out of the radar totally.

nobody asks me out. cues self-pity. because i’m apparently not the most brilliant company. maybe i should start getting used to doing things alone again. i used to be so good at it. or perhaps i’m still really good at it. and i like it though perhaps sometimes the loneliness could get too much handle.

Aur doesn’t find time to check in, nor do i because i’m always waiting for that sign from the other person that you even want to keep the friendship going. i’m not possessive of friends in general, but i don’t fancy being the spare tyre/least priority all the time. so fuck you and your problems if that’s how you see me.

i write all this with a slightly deranged cheerful disposition and utmost control over my mental faculties. perhaps it’s true that life is happiest when you have the lowest of expectations. really tired lately from insufficient sleep. nowadays instead of doing work and being productive, i find myself procrastinating and escaping by reading romance novels and rewatching Japanese films. ): burdened.