this shames me because i’ve always vowed to be frank and non-hypocritical. so i’m more blunt than frank because i can’t quite seem to get the hang of tact most of the time.

but sometimes lying still seems the only course out when i really don’t want to regret discussing it in the end. sometimes i wish i’m the forgiving type. but i remember.

sometimes, in fact, most of the time of these occasions, i feel that it’s my friends who let me down. too many too often lately. then again, are they really my friends? working partners, school mates maybe. but friends? i don’t think i have that many left anyway. what with people flying abroad for further studies or dropping out of the radar totally.

nobody asks me out. cues self-pity. because i’m apparently not the most brilliant company. maybe i should start getting used to doing things alone again. i used to be so good at it. or perhaps i’m still really good at it. and i like it though perhaps sometimes the loneliness could get too much handle.

Aur doesn’t find time to check in, nor do i because i’m always waiting for that sign from the other person that you even want to keep the friendship going. i’m not possessive of friends in general, but i don’t fancy being the spare tyre/least priority all the time. so fuck you and your problems if that’s how you see me.

i write all this with a slightly deranged cheerful disposition and utmost control over my mental faculties. perhaps it’s true that life is happiest when you have the lowest of expectations. really tired lately from insufficient sleep. nowadays instead of doing work and being productive, i find myself procrastinating and escaping by reading romance novels and rewatching Japanese films. ): burdened.

]]> http://sakuya.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/circumventing-the-truth/feed/ 1 sakuya http://sakuya.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/forlorn/ http://sakuya.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/forlorn/#comments Sun, 02 Aug 2009 15:33:24 +0000 Keax http://sakuya.wordpress.com/?p=580 ]]> so sometimes i feel morose and wish i have more friends. different ones. especially when there’re particular incidents nagging at me, and i wonder if i’ve been blind to their flaws.

then i take a deep breath and remind myself how they are tolerating mine. such as my temper and propensity for snapping at others when i’m mostly upset with myself and my lack of progress.

i think i’m generally not a very popular person, especially lately. tact seems to have abandoned me for a while, and i’m desperate to have it back. there is after all a difference between being refreshingly frank and abrasively blunt.

i never thought myself as being very hard to get along with, but i know i’m not good-natured like some others. something i always deeply envy. occasionally, counting to 10 in my head works, and i calm right back down. but other times, i recklessly let my ugly disposition sink its fangs into the situation and the people in it, including my friends and family. so i take it out on them, and by god, i’m grateful to those who have stuck.

maybe that’s why i surreptitiously gravitate towards people of generally milder dispositions. aside from the fact that i’m a dominant talkative fool, these people are usually more likely to forgive my antisocial transgressions.

lately i’ve been too mood-swingy for words. and still i desperately surround myself with people, while treating them badly. sometimes i wonder what the freaking hell is wrong with me. when i should be keeping myself locked up while i ride out this recent wave of blues and insecurity, i pretend to myself that everything’s dandy and that people around me care.

and then i’m left, stuck with even more insecurities, whether is that even true. do they really care, or are they people who’re just out for a good time like me? because when i’m consciously out for a good time, my guard is up, and i suppress those negative emotions overwhelming me. but when i’m with friends with whom i don’t need to hide, all those fears surface right back up. and as i struggle not to burden my friends with my stupid issues because i am acting self-centered enough already, i find myself annoyed by something else. all the time.

sometimes when i talk to someone, or attempt to, i can tell that their attention are drifting away. in all honesty, i believe i have always given my utmost attention to someone pouring out their woes to me (and if i’m actually aware of it) and the timing permits. at least 95% of the time. sometimes i am seriously just not conscious that the person is actually telling me something or i’m preoccupied.

but when we’re sitting in a cafe over tea on a lazy afternoon, i wonder why this person sitting opposite me is looking away or eager to change topics when i’m wearing my heart on my sleeve. and then i know. perhaps this person is not truly my friend. he/she may just be company for a good time. not a bad thing, but definitely sad.

i empathize. a lot. i offer my sympathy, sometimes not always welcome or at appropriate times, but always with all my sincerity. perhaps said sincerity is not coming through or showing up with people. because i don’t seem to get much of that back whenever i need it bad.

/emo whinefest, i know. but sometimes, i wonder if perhaps i’m destined for 10 years of solitude. to find myself and my peace (cliche as that sounds). then i can smile at others all the time, and not worry about what they think of me or why they don’t bother to call me back.

i do believe it’s the little things that count. because i consciously make decisions about small gestures like that. if you don’t return my call or my text, you’re simply saying you don’t care enough to do so.

and one day, i shall be confident enough to not give a fuck about that.

been going through quite a whirlwind of activity since i came back from India last Friday. it was a surprisingly fun weeklong escapade and i’m not sorry i went after all. i expected much worst, so that’s probably why i really had a decent time. i think generally i led a pretty sheltered existence in New Delhi, so that might have helped with the experience. XD i would probably blog about India another time soon because there’s just too much to say, it’s 4AM and i need to turn in.

but i’ve been having a good time since i returned, just catching up with friends and family. so much that i keep forgetting that i still have work to do. more focus groups to run, especially now that Dr S. is pushing for data collection/transcribing to be done by the end of the week. impossible, btw. imfreakingpossible, sadly. ): i have scheduled another session next Monday though, and i need to work on another transcription in the meantime zomg. suffice to say, i’m not ready to meet him late this week! i have nothing new to present. >: though i suppose we ought to talk about the content/structure for the book chapter. 15 pages. GEH death. the semester is opening soon, and i need to figure out what to do about internship. i have no plans, i don’t like what’s on the table and it’s freaking me out. i might end up settling, but that’s just an atrocious prospect. ): ):

haven’t had much ‘me’ time this entire summer, beside the occasional shopping trip. i would love to spend some time just reading instead of working and trying to maintain a social life at the same time. i need 48 hours in a day, i think. ):

i think i’m completely mucking up the sleep cycle that i’d rebuilt after i returned from India. i took to sleeping by 10 to 11PM and waking up at 9AM; trying to make up my sleep debt and cure my jet-lag at the same time. and last night, i slept an unprecedented 12 hours. doesn’t look like it’s going to happen tonight. it’s already 4AM.

Saturday, i met up with Jin, Jiamin and Jinhe. crazy times. i’ve missed the bunch of them especially since they went all over Asia for exchange past semester. (: we’re going to go for a night picnic on Friday evening at Changi Beach! so freaking awesome. ghost hunting! lol, though i don’t think i really want to see anything. YAY we totally need to get onigiri/sushi/stuff from the delicatessen. :D

Sunday was quiet. met up with Mint for lunch, some shopping and went by Ikoma where she signed up for Japanese class. then dinner with my family at Maxwell! i also watched some of the Japanese drama, Mr Brain starring Kimura Takuya. i caught the second episode where Gackt guest-starred as a Lecter-type. LMAO. WIN.

went back to campus on Monday to file my claims for conference support. there’s something odd about the paperwork though, so i’m waiting to hear from the General Office back at school. fingers crossed. had lunch with Rachel at the Exec Cafe. there’s something about that place which i kind of dig. and i’ve missed Chinese cuisine.

Tuesday was Mint’s birthday! i went to check out the newly opened Ion mall in town. Steve Madden was such a disappointment, for its first opening in Singapore. ): ): i could say the same for Rubi Shoes too. but the other labels/high street brands that already exist were stocked way better. Zara and Topshop weren’t shabby at all. and i completely like this leather tote from Fossil. alas, no money.

i also srsly need to curb my impulse to buy/collect shades. i should just invest in a good pair (or two). i love the Vivienne Westwood frames i saw. Mint seems partial to the Fendi frames but i think i’m more into the Emporio Armani ones myself. plus, they’re comparatively affordable as compared to the typical Dior or Gucci ones (thank god i don’t really fancy their designs).

Ion would do well to finish up its level B4 before opening, to be frank. ): that’s the major FOOD level. how can it not be completed!? haha. saw a huge snaking queue of people for super expensive takoyaki. $6 for a drink and about 6-8 takoyaki balls? so not worth it. there’s just something about Singaporeans and Japanese food, it seems. there’s a total excess of Japanese restaurants/street food stalls, including in this new mall. >:

had lunch with Mint after her Japanese class at The Soup Spoon. we saw a couple of local celebrities but it was probably a quiet outing for them so everyone pretty much left them alone. shopped around and bought some new accessories from Pull & Bear and Diva! :D then went over to Mint’s place and watched the pilot episode of How I Met Your Mother. maybe i don’t really get sitcoms but i thought it was okay. Mint said i should watch on to get to the real funny stuff. though i recently caught a couple of rerun episodes of Friends and thought they were pretty amusing. no wonder some of the Finches dig Friends so.

we decided to go out for drinks at Clarke Quay to celebrate her 21st in a very low-key fashion. we couldn’t decide initially whether to check out a gay bar or go to Jazz @ Southbridge. and we were still stuffed but we ended up at Seoul Yummy!, a Korean casual dining place at The Central where we parked. XD it turned out to be pretty decent. they had good sides (love the silken tofu!), and the saba fish i had was pretty delicious. (: they have an opening promo till the end of the month, so i kind of would want to go back before that’s over.

we wandered around Clarke Quay after that and wound up at Berlini Grande, this supposedly swing/big band place. in the end, it wasn’t what we expected, but we had fun. then i stupidly left my cellphone there and didn’t realize till i got home. so i had to call them up and drive back to pick it up. AHHH. i am such an idiot. but the people there were really nice about it. YAY + 847093820 points.

lunch with Shaun tomorrow! though that dummy isn’t replying my texts all of a sudden. i wouldn’t mind rescheduling to be honest. should probably get some work done (alleviate the guilt lmao) before the end of the week swings by. >:

yesterday was exhausting. not the worst i’ve had, but close. pulled an all-nighter to finish the paper(s) in time for the deadline on 30 June. and after we submitted the papers on the dot at 5pm, i had to rush down to town to conduct two focus groups i scheduled. the focus groups themselves went decently. but lack of sleep made me lose focus while driving and i ran up a kerb; scratching/denting my car in the process (asdfghjkl;!!) and lost $20 at the end of the night because i simply couldn’t remember details anymore. so i have to make up the $20 on my own. i seem to be forgetting how much money my professor gave me at the start of the focus groups to give as incentives – was it $900 or $1100 in total? did i actually lose more money than $20? i shudder to think so. how could i have been so careless? my memory is foggy.

my Dad’s the best and went out and bought me dinner at midnight. meepok just the way i like it, although surely the chili padi didn’t help my throat much. surely it can’t beat Stanley eating dinner at 2am on his side after we exhausted ourselves writing. my daily routine is all screwed up. and my throat hurts despite my desperate consumption of honey & lemon and blackcurrant lozenges to ease the pain.

i have a dozen errands to run – getting my visa for India; sending my blazers for dry-cleaning; go back to school to return books/borrow another tape recorder; pick up my contacts. i need to talk to OAS/HSS/SCI to sort out some administrative crap about my Linguistics second major. not to mention transcribing the two focus groups done last evening. it’s going to be a tight one and a half weeks to the conference in Delhi – data collection; transcribing; preparing for presentation (slides!!). i seem to not be expected to have a social life. i want time to go shopping! i’m hoping the Zara/Gap sales are still on, but in any case i’ve lost the chance to use my Gap birthday voucher. ): looking for blazers/jeans/sunglasses (they have some great ones online!).

meeting Shaun later for lunch. he’s leaving for New York soon and has been badgering for a meet-up before he departs and never comes back. XD maybe head to the optician if my contacts are in after. so woke up early to handle some email correspondence for URECA to kick off my day, how nice. got to email my professor and reply these WoW player applications. the scheduling of FGs is driving me up the wall. but it looks like i have another one on Sunday. i was about to arrange it on Saturday when i remembered the few gatherings that would be going on – the Fat Finch picnic (which reminds me, it’s potluck!); Edna’s birthday party at Sentosa. initially Aur and i were planning a sleepover at her place Saturday night since Mint came back from Canada yesterday. i didn’t get a chance to pick her up at the airport so i can’t wait to see her soon. but it looks like we’re rescheduling the sleepover till end July when i come back from India and Aur from Korea. BOF drinking game! XDDD and FOC is next week. thinking of making it down a couple of days at least with my peers. fingers crossed. want to make time to hang out with Jin, Jinhe and Jiamin when she’s back to. AHHH. but time’s not on my side. Friday is no good for me. may have a FG in the evening and need to pick up my mom from the airport in the late afternoon.

had a really busy weekend! (:

lunch with Aur on Saturday at Paragon’s Fish & Co. i super adore their calamari and the fish was great. big servings, so it was pricier but at least you get your money’s worth. 

we trooped over to NAC afterward so Aur can buy her sketchbook(s) from Art Friend. stopped by The Better Toy Store where i bought an adorable green/ecru canvas tote for $10. I LOVE THE COLORS in that place. and it brings back so many fond memories of my childhood and all the toys we had. 

had a peppermint chocolate chip ice-cream before going to the Apple retailer at Wheelock to check out screen protectors for Aur’s new iPod Touch. YAY AUR HAS CONVERTED TO MAC. (: 

and then Aur and i hit a beads/jewelry materials shop at FEP to pick up the basic materials to kickstart my interest in jewelry-making. the raw materials e.g. charms are still way overpriced though. the shop assistants were really nice and helpful generally. anyway,i bought some gold-plated ones and a small silver locket, and other random things like clasps and chains. and i realize i have a cutter at home which means i don’t have to buy one to cut my chains! but i think i have to get another pair of pliers.

anyway, i really got curious when i can’t find anywhere particular accessories that i have a hankering for. such as short gold necklaces to help me layer necklaces. Accessorize sells some with small charms, but they’re obviously overpriced and i’d rather shell out less money to make my own. 

today’s International Museum Day locally. (: which means FREE ADMISSION at all the National Heritage Board museums. yesterday was also the officially declared Family Day so many places had discounts on admission and stuff. really cool. went bright and early to the Asian Civilizations Museum with my family to check out the special exhibition of Emperor Kangxi. there’re some great artifacts and history but unfortunately the huge crowd turnout really marred the experience.

i’ve been checking out stuff like membership fees/admission charges in museums and all. i may not be able to travel much this summer, but i am sure going to enjoy my remaining June/July vacation in Singapore. there’re some great exhibitions, places, events and activities upcoming actually! 

anyway, we didn’t hover at ACM to check out their regular permanent galleries because of the insane crowds. went to get our free ice-cream (red bean!) and then lounged around a bit at The Fullerton Hotel which was just lovely. then we wandered over to The Art House and walked around the old Supreme Court. 

visited The Art House for the first time today. it’s housed at the old Parliament House. we were lucky and got to visit the chamber where parliament used to be held. it was unlocked for a wedding so we got to sneak in for photos and all. super cool. (:

The Art House also has a small cinema where it evidently screens films. i realize in a couple of weeks, the Italian Film Festival is going to happen. and there’re quite a number of free films and all of them have such intriguing plots. i can’t wait! most of them are in the evening though, so i’m going to have to plan what i’m going to catch well enough. (:

when Mint comes back, i’d love to rope her down for some of these stuff if she’s willing and free. museums escapades! $20 for 3 days access to all of National Heritage Board’s museums, including the 4 major ones – History, Art, Asian Civilizations and Peranakan. i’d love to check out their permanent galleries and any special ones in this period. and because all the museums are located at such a wonderfully central location close to each other, we could probably cover most of them within 3 days anyway. Sunday would be perfect. free parking right outside ACM, and walking distance within Boat Quay. Jazz@Southbridge! jazz pubs. think Aur was talking about going to Wala-Wala at Holland Village when Mint returns too. (:

besides ACM, we also went to the heritage gallery at the Central Fire Station. they have a Civil Defense heritage gallery which is actually kind of cool. and after that, we managed to squeeze in time to visit the Singapore Philatelic Museum which had a comic superhero exhibition thing. (: wound up the day with dinner at Jumbo Seafood along Boat Quay.

tomorrow’s my birthday! haha, my parents brought me to Takashimaya earlier this evening post-dinner to pick up my chocolate Guanaja cake from Rive Gauche (absolutely delectable). and we’re going to the Singapore Zoo after breakfast at Pierce Reservoir tomorrow! (: ROTI PRATA. waiii! can’t wait. :D

2 June is another happening day. Jin was talking about dinner with Jinhe who’s back from Japan. thinking of going to FEP to pick up more jewelry making stuff in the afternoon. going to Uniqlo in the morning with my sister to make use of the 10% discount voucher i won off Uniqlosurprise.com. i so need jeans and new t-shirts. :D

and Rach’s coming back from the States that day. HAHA. and so is Skoric probably which does not bode well since it means more work. but at least i can finally process my application for conference support! 

ugh! it’s official. i need to kick the habit of daily online-ness. i thought i’d be able to at least miss a day or two. but i realize the amount of tweets and emails i need to catch up with is just mind-boggling if i do so. 

had Mexican food with the Finches and Caleb today at Cha Cha Cha (lmao!) at Holland Village. never had Mexican food before! tried their prawn enchiladas. i’m not big on prawns, but they were sauteed to almost perfection. though everyone concurs their rice is the best of all. i think i still don’t like guacamole. avocado is just really not my favorite food. ):  neither is Mexican cuisine, really. everything was tasty including their complimentary nachos/salsa, but i don’t see myself developing a craving for it ever. unlike Italian. or roast chicken/calamari. HAHA. we wound up at Coffee Bean after dinner. great fun.

today on the whole was a slack day. had a quick lunch at PS (Carl’s Jr fries) and then plonked myself down at Starbucks because it started pouring outside. tried their cinnamon roll which wasn’t half bad and finished a book. walked around quite a bit to work off (hopefully) some of what i ate. from Dhoby Ghaut to City Hall in the rain and to Suntec City where i dropped by Gap to pick up a few canvas bags. i really wanted this indigo top which is somewhat sheer but i think i should stop splurging on Gap shirts. XD; it’s atrocious how rain does not at all lower the temperature in general. the weather is still bloody hot and humid and the stuffiness is really getting to me. god knows how i’m going to survive India!

zomg, stares in shock at Katrina Darrell and her new boobs. so outrageous but so brave. haha, but still pwned by Kara DioGuardi. XD; Allison Iraheta up with Cyndi Lauper with “Time After Time”! she plays the Appalachian dulcimer! zomg, what a beautiful sound the instrument has. i still think Allison should have been in the final. >:

Daniel Gokey is performing Lionel Richie’s “Hello” now. ZOMG NO ONE BEATS DAVID COOK WITH THAT SONG. HELLO?? haha, save the man himself. they’re currently performing something that sounds reggae-flavored. 

and an article about Christian Bale.

god, Diana Krall’s “Walk On By” works some magic and never fails to reduce me into a puddle of sadface.

SRS RAGE/despair over the COE price rise. ): which means time to indulge in Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Chunk/Strawberry Cheesecake. XD;

maybe Uniqlo tomorrow if not later today. craving Carl’s Jr fries! <3 nothing better to indulge in with a romance novel on a slow afternoon. (: though Starbucks at Raffles City is now open 24 hours! makes you want to curl up in an armchair, and have a toasted bagel and pastries. didn’t have much luck with a cinnamon raisin one yesterday i got from Cold Storage. why doesn’t their Delicatessen sell hot and ready food like other Cold Storages? ):

nevertheless, i’ve been shopping last couple of days so it may be a good idea to take a break. snapped up a few guy shirts from the Topshop and River Island sales. as well as a Pull & Bear top which i can see myself pairing up with those scarves i’ve not had much chance to wear the later half of the semester. and i want more tees! which is why i wanted to head to Uniqlo because the ones at River Island/Topman kind of blows. and also to use that 10% voucher i got from Uniqlosurprise.com. XD;

i so dig those Zara vests i saw yesterday. i always covet Zara stuff, but they’re always so expensive! >: as with the green blouson cardigan, quilted little black bag and oversized black top from Warehouse i saw at Raffles City. and those grey or brown oversized pullover tops on sale, from Topshop, which i can’t decide whether to get.

i love Accessorize! bought a stripped tote from there on Tuesday. they have such lovely prints on their bags. (:

RANDOMLY. haha, Channel 5 is showing The Princess Diaries 2 soon. CHRIS PINE! XD