everything’s just smoke.

oh god. what is wrong with me? it could be due to finals. but life is really getting me down. 

it’s the second day in less than a week where i feel truly down in the dumps.

i endured the first day, last Friday. even though i felt so alone, i didn’t know what to do.

so i sat in the car and listened to sad music. 

i was meeting my Dad for dinner but i know i wouldn’t be telling him how troubled i feel. 

i don’t want to burden him with my comparatively insipid insecurities.

i listen about friends getting their wheels. 

someone bought a new car. another gets to drive her old family car now that they have a new one. 

and i recall my parents’ promise to buy me one to drive myself to school if only i would finally pass and get my license.

and there was talk about falling car and road tax prices.

but promises are too often empty.

but i know i would not push for it in these times of global recession. 

i bring it up wistfully and indirectly, but the fear of being ungrateful for what i already have usually silences me before long.

and since my Dad goes overseas quite a bit lately, at least i get to drive the family car.

but sometimes he’s back and i feel like i’m inconveniencing him when i hog use of the car.

for me, there’s a limit to how much i dare ask for.

sometimes when i do try, i get shot down. usually by my Mom.

i tried, asking for sponsorship for exchange. and my Mom didn’t see the value of it.

so i shut up about it and didn’t mention it to my Dad but some things i want so much, it hurts.

i didn’t even try broaching the topic of summer school to the States, overthrowing the choice myself.

some days, eating chocolate or reading endless FMLs just wouldn’t cut it.

perhaps some retail therapy might. 

but time is not on my side. 

at times i feel like saying, “to hell with it” and just push myself less hard.

but i know i would compare myself to others who are coping and bearing up so much better. 

and brand myself a failure.

i would tell myself a momentary respite is worth less than the grades i need to struggle so hard to maintain.

easy words are not going to cover up the disappointment that would roil in my insides when i see bad grades.

so there would be three months in summer to buffer and numb the potential pain. 

but the impact would last more than that. 

and summer is not happy. 

everyone has plans, and i feel so unaccomplished and without direction.

i didn’t actively look for or obtained a job/internship like some of my peers. 

somehow i’ve forgetten how to fight for what i want.

not scoring the exchange offer was a hard pill to swallow.

then i went and rejected the summer school offer to UC Berkeley this May. 

definitely there were more cons than pros while i was evaluating.

the expenses (the course fees alone are no joke), no friends were going along, and i thought it didn’t fit some other plans in general.

then i see people jetting away. to Australia, to Taiwan and even Malaysia, with their friends. 

the loneliness i feel creeps up on me and sinks its claws in me, along with the dark devil that is envy. 

friends. what friends?

i just found out i don’t seem to be invited to someone’s birthday party. 

i’ve never been to a party (or a concert for that matter), truly. but it would have been nice to be asked.

so, my travel plans never come true. 

partly because once again i don’t seem to know how to fight for what i want.

and typing this right appears to illustrate exactly that, as well as paint the guilt i feel for feeling this way. 

yes, i can’t fight for what i want. so start fighting. but how? i’m not sure, and i fear rejection because i am a coward.

this is the time to be honest. so i will be. 

it’s not really such a blame issue. 

two friends i feel closest to went to Japan last year without me. 

i really wanted to go somewhere with them, so i suggested Taiwan which got shot down by one of them because she </3 the place. 

but i just went to Japan a while ago and i didn’t dare push my parents for the money to go again. 

and being the underachieving dependent i am, i had no wages i had saved and could use. 

and so i didn’t get to go. 

now that friend is psyched about going to Taiwan with some other people because she has discovered its appeal. 

when i first heard that, i was speechless. half of me angry of the unfairness, to be honest.

but i know Japan was always her top choice of destination.

at least at that point in time. 

and when it comes down to it, no one really puts others before the self.

even if those others are your friends.

sacrifice? perhaps it happens for some people. 

and so this summer, i thought i would finally get to go on a trip with them. 

they were talking about a week or two in Canada/States since one of them was staying on for summer school and another wanted to check out Canada for future studies.

once again, the money issue kept me silent. 

but today my Dad asked me about it and told me my parents are willing to let me go.

to be frank, i was overjoyed. i thought that resolved my emptiness over my lack of summer plans – no job, no summer school, no nothing. i could finally go some place.

i’m so scared of being stuck here while life goes on around me. people always catching hold of what they want. 

but there are never true promises. 

i find out that my friends have scrapped the plans due to bad timing. 

so it was really all just air.

we talked about taking a road trip. 

of all the possibilities. all those plans. 

and in the end everything’s just smoke.

am i being truly selfish? 

i don’t earn a cent, and i want so many things. 

maybe it’s time to readjust my perspective. 

if i want something, i get it on my own merit.

any other way including dependency on parents is out of the picture.

if i can’t finance myself, it’s my fault alone. 

and how many missed opportunities would that make?

how come i never get anything i really want?

why am i not studying instead of typing all this and trying to get it all off my chest?

i want to drop out of school. 

i wish i had gone somewhere else. but once again – money. 

why can’t i get past that? fucking guilt trip. 

taking a gap year frightens me. i might never return. and i fear lacking behind as much as i fear graduating late.

why am i so confused?

why do i get tired so easily?

fucking weaknesses.