i can starve my life into a deeper sleep

i would like to tell myself that i don’t know.

and just admitting that i’m a work in progress relieves me like nothing else. uncertainty has been plaguing me ever since i lost my footing somewhere last week. and there’s nothing i like less than a lack of peace of mind.

so today, all that pressure culminated into the self-destructive act of seeking comfort food. caramel corn, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate: all the junk food that drifted my way, ended up in my stomach. i even tried downing latte (me, who doesn’t drink coffee, period). i still didn’t like it. but it was free, and i thought it’d give me a measure of comfort. i off-loaded it on Nate.

and today was way too convenient for the whole binge-eating syndrome for me. one of the editors came back from vacation with nougat. which they are generous enough to share with the rest of the Desk by putting the food at TUP (heh our little gathering place) for people to kope. i even gave one of the soft kind to Jovi, the nice IT guy who is sometimes underfoot during the day.

then this evening, there was a presentation at the auditorium about the paper’s relaunch (god, i don’t know if it’s supposed to be like super seekret). and there was free food waiting post-presentation! though technically, i left halfway during the presentation to get back to work (damn, just when it was getting to the good visual bit) and i thought all was lost, and no free food for me or Nate.

but in the end, we still managed to go back down to grab something under the guise of getting a bite for an editor. they had like kueh, mee siam, sushi, crepes (which ran out, sadly) and just a random assortment of food. i had a decent dinner by then, so i just tried a bit of the sushi and kueh. xD;

anyway, in all, today was not a good day. things started going downhill the moment i stepped into the office. the feeling of displacement was so strong, that i wanted to bolt right then. … i like to think of myself as someone who faces things head-on. but sometimes i don’t know whether i can do it. and today was one of those moments, which made me couldn’t help but recall me doing something similar back during my other temporary working stint during my gap year. i ran, and it made me feel bad both before and after.

typically, this desire to just abandon ship usually comes after i commit a mistake at work. be it that things blow over, and it wasn’t that sizable a deal in the first place, i can’t live with it. which then makes me fear that this sense of inadequacy is going to be my major stumbling block both in my academic career and thereafter. some people hate feeling like a failure. so do i.

at this moment, planning for my studies in the semester to come is one major pain in the ass for me. i thought i had the prescribed electives i wanted to take nailed flat. then a couple of seniors’ advice come along, and the sudden urge to drop a module equates an overhaul to me. it messes up the class schedule i worked so hard to figure out (even settling for a five-day week like my past two sems). and because now i am no longer flat-out sure about going into the research track.

suddenly i wonder if i’m basing my zeroed obsession to pursue that track on that single introductory module i did relatively well on. but it just seems like something i have more flair and interest in than anything else offered. the only other choice i am considering is the broadcast cinema studies track. which i would love to go into. if only i didn’t feel so intimidated by the extraordinarily talented peers i have who are destined for that future.

at this point, it doesn’t hurt to admit that i fight to excel. staying at the top matters to me. much more than doing something i love, even if i am not good at  it. because perhaps for me, right now; satisfaction doesn’t come from pure pleasure, but the adrenaline of accomplishment. i don’t think i am competitive to the degree of divorcing my conscience. so i would never be the next dictator or whatever. but that doesn’t dim my need to feel in control, by being one of the best. examining it from some other perspective, it may seem superficial. yet i like it that at least i can still think of it from another angle. that this need, is not overshadowed by the inability to be more than single-minded and totally obsessive.

right now, i am talking to Mint about what she calls being ‘grade-conscious’. dropping this module, would mean i have to find something else to replace it. damn, i need a voice of reason. so i am counting on her to help me sort out my decision-making process. this period of indecision is coming at a bad moment. heh, we’re going to get a pedicure on Thursday (yay, off day) after my Paparazzi meeting. i originally wanted to get a haircut with the hairstylist she went with previously. however, i didn’t want to commit to an appointment. plus, i am feeling like a tortoise about it because the new semester is coming. and i had to live through some serious hair disaster last year in school.

too bad we can’t catch The Dark Knight with Aur on Thursday. the night timings are really bad compared to the daytime ones, and while i am working the PM shift the day after, Aur needs to get to work early. and i’d really like to catch it with the Vegetables together. especially since i didn’t watch Red Cliff with them past Sunday. (:

it’s been quite busy since camp ended last week. past Sunday, i went to my cousin’s birthday party with Kazzie. it’s been a while since my extended family  all got together ever since my grandparents moved house. and it was a mad house. we couldn’t stop talking, laughing and taking photos. it was at KBox at Toa Payoh during lunch hour, and it was so much fun. the chocolate birthday cake tasted real good too. bumped into Mel there as well.

after that, i traveled to Bugis to meet up with the Vegetables because Aur and i wanted to get jeans. Topshop/Dorothy Perkins/Diva sales were somewhat lacklustre, though i kind of like this indigo cardigan. i am still on the lookout for jeans, though i did end up with a pair of black skinnies. i am such a recent convert to the wearing of jeans. i’ve always preferred shorts thanks to local tropical weather. we checked out the Intercontinental dessert buffet menu! we should go back.

Monday, after work, i met up with my cousins and Kazzie again for dinner at Cafe Cartel. initially i was filled with doubt. my last couple of experiences with them were bad (including a case of nasty food poisoning). … in the end, i was pleasantly surprised. sizable servings, decent taste. we ordered four differeand we ended up splitting the bill to pay around $14 each only. most importantly, we had a great time. just talking about love lives (well, mostly just one of us’s) and cracking up way too much.

i also got a top on sale from Fox that evening. i am working on curbing the whole retail therapy impulse thing. and aside from a couple of strappy sandals i bought recently, which turned out to be great investments, thankfully, i have been quite successful at warding off temptations.

uh, my powers of digression win. so back to my bad day. i left my cellphone at home, so i had to trek home from my workplace to get it. at least my shift today started at lunch hour, so i could step away for a moment. lunch was a moderately happier affair - i had my mee sua at last. the Malay food stall at the staff cafeteria sells delicious curry puffs. Spinelli had tuna/egg sandwiches and double chocolate chip banana muffin today, and i semi-struggled to make lunch choices. … the rest of my work day was fairly alright. apart from a supremely annoying caller transferred from the operator looking for one of my colleagues. that guy was totally hostile and unreceptive to whatever i was saying. what a guava mango starfruit. still, the day ended on a positive note. which for some reason involved Nate recounting a memory of when she was still blur at work like any newbie, and her call-transfer fiasco and the birth of her enmity with He Who Shall Not Be Named.

today, i passed up on Jin and Shaun’s offers to have lunch. and now Mint (reminder to self to read her class schedule for next sem) is suggesting lunch at Botak Jones someday. why does everyone like to ask me out for lunch/dinner on a work day? i don’t prefer it, because i don’t get much time to spend with them. though it’s maybe because i have no free days otherwise. melts into a puddle.

still, Shaun and i finally would have time to grab lunch this Saturday, it seems. Marche fried calamari, here i come! (: Saturday is an iffy thing. originally Mad was texting us a possible fund-raising opp with the university’s convocation event. but i thought the deal was off since the reply deadline with SX was over. now Jin is telling me and Jiamin he can’t go for karaoke on Saturday late afternoon because he promised to go for convo? oh dear, tangled web.

anyway, it looks like the FOC main comm is plotting a meet-up. haha, we probably need a post-camp evaluation meeting anyway, and also for to chase down money. i still owe James and Siti moolah. then hopefully we can have fun. Fettucine needs to get together too! lol, because i am a loser without an OG. god, it hurts to feel unloved. and also because i have KBox vouchers from my cousin, hur hur.